Chapter 1: I love Music, but I love you more
Forrest Gump, by Frank Ocean played throughout the entire room. She walked over to the stereo and turned the nob slightly to the right.
“I Love this song, you don’t get it.”
I thought to myself, no, you don’t get it. You just love the sounds the feelings the warmness left inside of you as if when the song started you drank a hot cup of tea. I thought to myself, hey, I do get it, don’t tell me i don’t get it.
“I know you wouldn’t hurt a beetle!”
Thats like me, i wouldn’t hurt a beetle at all, and I’m different, everyone else says they wouldn’t hurt a fly. The song changed abruptly. What is her obsession with Frank Ocean? She’s playing Godspeed now.
“My ex used to play this in the car.”
I thought to myself, shit I still do…“Yeah I love this song, I got super high one time and the girl I was with couldn’t even make it all the way through the song with out crying.”
“Do you think Frank Ocean knows people are so emotionally impacted by his music?”
“Why else would he make it?” Money, was my immediate thought.
She had other ideas, “because he likes it.”
My mind told me life isn’t that simple, we don’t do things, get things, and say things, simply because we like it. Bull shit, I wont have it, if thats was true I’d have the girl of my dreams in my room blasting my favorite songs. That was sarcasm.
To me if you make this life to complex, you’ll never be able to tell yourself what comes next. If you go about things simply however, you’ll find yourself doing shit “because you like it.”
I guess thats my point here, do what you want. She danced around so carefree. She closed her eyes and flung her knotty beached up hair back as if she was rolling face somewhere on Randall’s Island in New York at the Gov Ball Music Festival. She launched her self back onto the couch into my arms laughed uncontrollably as she opened her eyes and said, “I Love music.”
I thought to myself for a moment; but I love you more. As cheesy as that was my point was this. Music was this drug to her. It seemed as if when there was music playing she felt like all the worlds questions were answered with, “because I like it” or “whatever makes you happy.”
She was the type of girl you wanted to make happy, simply because when she was happy the universe seemed as if it was in order. As dramatic as that sounds, I’m not kidding about that, when she was having a good day, everyone was seemingly having a good day. Conversely when she was having a bad day everyones’ days stopped to make hers better. Her being damaged made her amazing, because she could empathize. Her being understanding made her amazing, because she could sympathize.
I was so lost in this girl, that I thought everyone around me felt the same way. She was like a good song. You tell your friends they have to hear this, and all the while they are listening, you’re looking at them hoping they share the love for it that you do.
“What’s your favorite Frank Ocean song?” She asked me this with such a quizzing look on her face, as if, there could be a wrong answer.
I looked down in my lap where she lay, on her back looking up at me as if I were a pack of stars and said, “Self Control, easily.”
She thought for a moment and smiled. I had thought perhaps that would be the wrong answer, so in the funniest way possible I tried to guess hers by naming others, but as if they were mine. “I like Skyline To also, Novacane, Bad Religion, the list goes on…” I got nervous, “I could get going if you want.”
She covered her face and laughed, “no, no I get it, I’m just genuinely confused.”
I wondered how she could be confused, possibly she was poking at something different from just simply what my favorite Frank Ocean song was.
She looked at me as if she was judging me, “what is your mood?”
“I mean I guess I would say my mood is good, happy, I’m in a happy mood.”
She laughed and said, “My mood is Solo.”
I wondered what she meant by that, she got up, and walked over to the stereo where her phone was plugged in. She played the next Frank Ocean song; Solo.
“This is my mood.”
“I’m skipping showers and switching socks, sleeping good and long.”
I laughed, “what are you even saying.”
She told me I should think bigger, maybe open up my mind a little more. I was mainly confused because without even knowing it she taught me this whole lesson on simplicity, and doing what I wanted to do in life. I was analyzing everything we talked about and everything she did, I took from that exchange, that at some point we have to be able to articulate the intricacies of our own feelings. I would never voice this aloud because I simply wouldn’t know how, but the fact that she explained her mood in the verse of a song, and I described my mood as “good” led me to believe that she had truly taken every event from that week and boiled it down to one feeling. She’s relaxed, and theres nothing that could really intrude on that at this point. Why did she not just say she was relaxed? I guess she wanted to just make me work for the answer to my own question of, how am I doing with this girl right now.
This girl was breathtaking she had the type of beauty that made you question how you were lucky enough to be able to get her to agree to sit in a room with you. I walked on egg shells around her. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing. It felt like a dream, being around her, how could I have been so nervous, and her just relaxing. I was ugly, very ugly, or so my own self esteem led me to believe, but this girl, to me at least, was breathtaking. I wondered how her boyfriend ever became her ex. She did a lot of things when we were younger that she regrets, and a lot of stuff she wished she could take back, but we all have that.
The rumors piled up against her, I had often wondered how people could be so against another person, but people had often wondered how I could be so for someone. I would do anything for people I cared about. People are so blindly selfish though, that they saw what I would do for them as obligation and what I would do for others as favors.
Let me be clear, all of it is my obligation, we are friends. I personally am deathly afraid of being alone, I keep my TV on at night so I didn’t feel left in the dark. A person that made me feel the opposite of my deepest fear would get whatever they wanted from me, and she did that.
My interest for this girl ran deep, and the last thing I wondered before we were done listening to music and talking, was if she really needed to leave and if she would ever come back. That kind of crush is what I had, the kind that when they are here you don’t care about anything else, and when they leave you don’t think they’ll ever come back, but that makes it so much better when they do. Straight puppy love.